The Work Book

After working with a particular child for a short while I found myself re-creating the same exercises in session that I've done with many kids in the past. I thought, I should just make this child a book that we put all these worksheets in. But then something better popped into my head: the work we were doing could help a lot of kids.

Below I pasted in the introduction to my book, and I cite The Kempe Center for much of the framework. I don't understand why this content has not become standardized to all mental health training. It can be used in so many situation with so many clients. It was designed to treat sexually abusive youth, initially. But it is truly universal. It should be viral. Teachers should know these skills as well. So please consider using this with your client caseload - each child should have a book of their own to document their progress and ability to self-regulate and plan for their own safety. You can find it on Amazon.com and search "Preventing and Treating Abusive Behaviors: A Workbook for Children and Teens. 

This workbook is a mixture of various exercises and treatment concepts that I use in my work with children and adolescents in therapy. It is based on the principles of Perpetration Prevention developed by the Kempe Center, in Denver, Colorado. I was trained by Gail Ryan, MA to teach others how to address sexual behaviors in children and teens including problem behaviors and abusive behaviors. Over time it became clear that these concepts can be applied to a number of situations where children’s behaviors become abusive. The concept is simplified as “Abuse is Abuse” meaning if someone is doing harm to another person, an animal, to property, or themselves, it is still abusive behavior and needs to stop. We do this by teaching children the goals of Communication, Empathy and Accountability. We also do not want to diminish the needs of the child engaging in problem behaviors. Therefore, we use many of the exercises to explore identity, assets versus risks, what their high-risk cycle looks like leading up to their abusive behaviors. Children still need to learn pro-social behavior and make friends in typical environments despite having experienced or exposed to violence, trauma, and loss. The table on the following page outlines the types of abuse we wish to stop and ultimately prevent.

A cautionary note to parents: This book is ideally used within a therapeutic relationship. If your child is engaging in problematic behaviors, especially sexually abusive behaviors, please seek professional help. This book can be used in conjunction with a multi-disciplinary treatment team for the management of sexually abusive behaviors. A professional will have the background to utilize these concepts to their fullest benefit.

The High-Risk Cycle exercise introduces the concept of a Trigger – something seen more and more often in the media. However, it is more than a place, or subject in our case. We want children and teens to identify the emotion associated with the triggering topic or event. Some examples are:

Not feeling liked, valued; feeling policed; feeling left out or rejected; feeling unsafe; afraid; feeling unheard or misunderstood; being mistaken, falsely accused or assumed guilty, feeling jealous, feeling uncomfortable with compliments or comments on appearance.

When a parent or caregiver is aware of situations that are potential triggers for their child, they can mitigate the child’s risks by observing and addressing the issues directly and as quickly as possible. Remember that if your child had a trauma, it is not a predictor of future behavior. Having plenty of normal activities and interactions can balance out their development. That is what the scale activity is meant to achieve. Children and Teens often feel that they will not be able to change their destinies, even if they have experienced consequences of their behaviors. It is critical that they believe in themselves.

In the exercise about their body, children and teens can learn to identify where they hold onto their anxieties and other emotions. Some hold tension in their throats, or trapezoid muscles, others may get stomach aches. This tuning in helps children and teens connect back to their physical selves and create the mind-body connection that is important in mindfulness practice, and not relying on dissociation to cope with difficult feelings.

Of course, there is more that can help your child engage in self-discovery and healing.

I hope you find this workbook useful for your kids and your clients! I believe it has been needed for a long while!

Predators in Our Midst

I am occasionally sought out by friends, relatives and colleagues because of my experience in working with children in therapy, what normal development looks like vs a concern, child welfare issues, reporting child abuse. I am happy to help and enjoy following the stories that are brought to me to see how they resolved over time.
Someone I know well called to ask my opinion recently. She was concerned that her early teenaged son had been be-friended by an adult male. She knows this person but discovered that the two of them had been having an ongoing daily back and forth conversation via email. Only when the youth had been invited out to an event with him did he have to ask his mother for permission.
What she found out is that this person works at the youth's school, has held events for students outside of the school's purvue and had requested all of the student's personal email addresses. Her son also admitted to the daily messages and defended them, saying he was glad to have found a friend who is supportive and wanted to be trusted. My friend was surprised at this pushback but realized that the adult male was likely responsible. I gently said, "It sounds like he's being groomed," and I could hear the relief in her voice. No, you're not crazy.
When your child is being groomed, the parents are as well. The person wants to gain your trust, and often they are in a position of trust. When they begin to test that trust, you begin to question yourself - which explains the relief my friend felt. They will make you think you are crazy and a terrible person for ever thinking such things about them. In a nutshell there are stages of grooming, the following are the most agreed upon:
1. Targeting the victim. My friend's son was among many until it appeared he was responsive to the adult. He wants and enjoys attention and struggles with friendships.
2. Gaining the victim's trust. This adult most likely has written, you are growing up now, you can make decisions for yourself. You don't always have to ask or tell your parents everything.
3. Filling a need. I can take you places you can't go on your own, that your parents won't let you.
4. Isolating the victim. I'm your friend, they are not your friends. Only I can do xyz for you.
5. Sexualizing the relationship. It is not believed that this took place for my friend's son but that would be the next goal for the adult.
6. Maintaining control. Keeping the victim from disclosing, using threats and other coercion.

My friend was right to pay attention to her raised hackles. She is angry that a seed has been planted that had already worn away at her relationship with her son. She asked me for some "magic words" to say to her son since she was not feeling clear-headed enough to verbalize something to him that would be understood fully.  So here is what I sent:

I've been trying to find the right words to explain to you why I am so worried about you right now. It isn't anything that you've done but it may be because you believe that the adults in your life are safe. I want that to be true -but recently when it came to my attention that you had an ongoing relationship with an adult it raised a red flag for me. There are some adults who don't believe that they are crossing a boundary when they befriend someone much younger than themselves. This person is probably telling you that you were getting older now and that your mom and dad are probably over protective and they don't trust you yet; but you have good instincts and good StreetSmarts and you don't need to tell them everything. When someone tells you things like that there's a word for it- it's not the same as manipulation. When an adult is making an effort to prepare you for more to come in that relationship -it's called grooming. They put themselves in your life as a person who is the only one who understands you and at the same time they drive a wedge between you and the adults who really care for you and will protect you. That way they will be the only person you have to go to for help/ advice and that is when you will be most vulnerable. There are some adults who do not believe that a physical relationship with the child is wrong. I pray to God that nothing of that nature has happened at this point. But I am genuinely concerned that the objective of your friend is to do you harm. In saying that- I know you're upset. I know you feel that you can protect yourself. I'm here to tell you that you cannot possibly protect yourself. These adults are extremely skilled at what they do. You need a safe adult to help you. I am going to need every written communication that you have had with him and I need you to now block his email address so that he can no longer contact you. I need your word that you will not disobey me on this. It is for your safety and your protection and it is because I love you very much and I would do anything to keep you from harm. 

Most parents' first instinct is probably more raw - we want to lay down the law right off the bat. "You better not ever ever see that guy or write to that guy again," with a lot of cursing perhaps thrown in.
The thing is, it will harm the parental relationship. The teen will likely push back even harder. "He said you were going to do/say that!" and then you have more secrecy to be concerned about. It is best to approach it within the context of your close and loving relationship. Spend some time building on that with some quality time and attention. Follow up on the information, make a report to the police if there is more to the story, and then keep your eyes peeled and your ears to the ground.

Locker Room "banter"

I was encouraged to say more about this topic after posting online about how to address “locker room banter”. Politics aside, this is what the country has spent a week discussing:

Donald Trump: You know and I moved on her actually. You know she was down on Palm Beach.

Unknown: She used to be great. She’s still very beautiful.

Trump: I moved on her and I failed. I’ll admit it. I did try and f*** her. She was married.

Unknown: That’s huge news.

Trump. No, no, Nancy. This was— And I moved on her very heavily in fact. I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture. I took her out furniture. I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there, and she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big, phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look.

[The men spot Arianne Zucker waiting for them outside the bus]

Bush: Sheesh, your girl’s hot as shit. In the purple.

Trump: Whoa! Yes! Whoa!

Unknown: Yes! The Donald has scored. Whoa, my man!

Trump: Look at you. You are a pussy.

[crosstalk as the bus doors open and close - Trump is still on the bus]

Trump: Maybe it’s a different one.

Bush: It better not be the publicist. No, it’s her. It’s —

Trump: Yeah, that’s her. With the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful - I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything.

Bush: Whatever you want.

Trump: Grab them by the pu**y. You can do anything.

This exchange was recorded in 2005. People have been horrified for the most part, but some people don’t think it’s a big deal. Mr. Trump disregards it as “locker room banter” meaning this is how guys talk when they’re alone.  They brag about grabbing women, they move on women “like a bitch, and try to fuck them.”  Perhaps some men do talk this way… hopefully only a few compared to the majority of the population. It is not the norm, it is by definition, deviant behavior.

Athletes in locker rooms are expressing horror. Women with sons are expressing horror, young sons are expressing horror. Women, girls, are sharing stories of daily sexual assaults, the kind that is considered “minor” and “not reportable.” In passing, on the crowded street, or bus, elevator, party. Since age 9, 12, 15… and continuing until they became “too old” or “fat” to be bothered with. But for the most part, they want to know how to make this stop.

One of the things I do in my profession is train on the topic of “Primary Perpetration Prevention.” There is also secondary and Tertiary prevention but my focus right now is primary – preventing abuse, mainly sexual, from ever taking place. And yes, we start when humans are small and impressionable. Why? Because research tells us that adults who sexually abuse began doing it as children and/or teens. And they start by doing it to other children because there is a difference in power, strength, age or ability. However, no-one did any research on the sexual abuse of children by children earlier than the mid 1980s – adults were convinced that children just did not have sexuality let alone a proclivity to abuse, given the right circumstances. A team of psychologists at the Kempe Center in Denver developed a program in the mid 1990s to work with adolescent offenders with largely positive results. Young minds can learn three important skills: Communication, Empathy and Accountability. I was trained to be a trainer on these topics by one of the authors, Gail Ryan, MA, in 2009 who is now retired. I want to carry on her legacy.

Very basically – communication is the ability to send and receive messages. Ideally they learn to do this is a healthy family setting. Not all kids grow up in nurturing and safe homes. They learn to keep secrets.

Empathy is the ability to read and understand the emotions of other people (or even animals). Children without empathy will not understand when they have hurt someone’s feelings, or identify someone’s feelings.

Accountability is the accurate attribution of wrongdoing. If you make a mistake, own it and make amends. There is a consequence to a behavior vs getting away with it.

This morning I posted this on Facebook, my private personal page:

If you are ever in a locker room, and you hear somebody talking about grabbing women (etc) and another person laughing along here's what you could say to make a difference:
"I heard you say that you grabbed a woman etc. and I feel very uncomfortable and/or angry and I'm sure that woman was uncomfortable and/or angry; What you were describing is abusive and illegal and it needs to stop."
#notokay

The structure of the response is what I teach adults to use. First – communicate that you HEARD it and or SAW it with your own ears and eyes. Often someone who is offending and keeping secrets will “gaslight” you with, “I didn’t do that/say that, you saw wrong, it wasn’t me.” No, stand firm. You know what you heard and saw.

Then you talk about your feelings and or the feelings of the person who is being harmed – uncomfortable, hurt, mad, in pain, point out tears and sadness if it is present. They need to be helped to identify emotions and hopefully feel them. This is obviously much easier with young people.

Accountability can simply be a prohibition. Research also tells us that young people do not know which behaviors are illegal. Telling someone their behavior is illegal can make it end right there. Many of us grew up in a family where getting a pinch on the bottom is cute and funny. But most of us who don’t like it were able to say, “I don’t like that,” and it stops. Because when you respect the body and wishes of another, that’s what you do. So the final part of the above intervention tells the people to stop.

I am not going to tell you that this is easy to do. What if you are at a party and you witness someone being harmed? You are in a dangerous situation, no doubt. However, a room full of bystanders is just as culpable as the perpetrator. You must intervene or get help. Someone I know said saying these things could cost them in their individual sub-cultures (work?). I suggested these were people they were better off without. Humans can be held to a higher standard and should be. Women are your mothers, sisters, daughters, friends, wives. We deserve to be safe, to walk down the street feeling no leery eyes on us, no rude comments (even if they try to convince us they are compliments), no hands grabbing us, from a friend or a stranger. Men can help to make this kind of world a reality by speaking up routinely, until it doesn’t feel scary. Practice makes perfect.

My next training is through Foster Source – a foster parent support organization. The training is in Greeley, CO on November 19 from 9-11:30. There is a lot more than the above but even if just the above can make a difference, please use it.