Communication 101

Jul 8, 2017

The theme lately with several of my clients seems to be communication. I find myself saying similar things over and over to many of them, including with my online clients. Naturally that means a blog post is warranted!

Communication is the ability to send and receive messages clearly. The message’s intent is known to both/all parties involved. Messages can be verbal, non-verbal/physical and/or written. We communicate with dots and dashes, sign language, hundreds of spoken and written languages, flags, smoke, electronic or in person. Somehow, we still misunderstand one another! How is that possible?

Example 1:

Wife: Do you think you could take out the trash for me?

Husband: Sure

Trash does not go out. Why?

1. Wife asks if Husband CAN take out the trash. Yes, he can. Will he? When? It’s not clear.

Example 2:

Mother: (to loud child) the baby is sleeping.

Child continues to be loud.

Mother: What did I tell you? Sssh.

Child: You said, “the baby is sleeping.”

1. Mother did not tell the child to be quiet, only that the baby was sleeping. Child did not receive the correct message.

These are very basic examples of how a communication can be misunderstood. What we need are better skills at getting our needs and wants recognized and met. When we are born, the only way to communicate is by crying and other cues. Parents must learn to read these cues to meet the baby’s needs. Adults who are in the child’s life are usually the ones who set the example of what communication looks like in a family, and that child will go out into the world using that style: good, bad or downright ugly.

LISTENING

This is the message receiver’s role. It’s the parent who figures out a certain cry means hunger in the infant. It’s the spouse who is hearing his/her partner tell them about their day. You don’t talk during this part, other than some “uh-huhs” and “oh yeah, then whats”. Your mind may be racing through what happened in your day, or thinking about what to cook for dinner. You’ll miss a lot if you do that. Stephen Covey said that we don’t “listen to understand, we listen to respond,” and that causes a lot of breakdowns. If someone comes to you and says they need to talk, you stop what you are doing, and you look at them and you wait. And you listen quietly.

If you don’t understand something, ask. “Hang on, didn’t you say…?” or “I’m not sure what you mean by…?” Let them clarify what they’re trying to tell you. Active listening is another skill that can sound goofy if not done sincerely. “Let me tell you what I heard, so I know I’m understanding this…” And you repeat back what they said. This gives the other person a chance to clear up any part of the message that is confusing or incorrect.

LISTENING TO TEENS and KIDS

This is a trickier thing to do. Your teen may need your help and the last thing you want to do is say you’ll listen and then interrupt or have a massive (angry, upset, sad, worried) response to what they told you. Use the skills above, if you can’t keep it together, take a break! Go to the bathroom, splash water on your face. How you react to them is going to make or break your relationship. They want their parents love, attention, acceptance more than anything in the world. I don’t care if you don’t believe me, they do.

SPEAKING

You have something heavy on your mind. You really want to talk to someone about it. Maybe you want advice but you also think you know how to work out the problem. You need someone to bounce it off of. So you ask your (insert your person here). First, ask, “Hey I was wondering if I could talk to you about something important. Is now a good time?” If it is not a good time, set a time or let them finish up a task they were working on. This is now the setting and you have the floor.

Now a good listener will help you clarify what you’re trying to say, but usually it’s helpful to begin with an “I message.” This puts the speaker in the forefront, especially if this is a confrontation. The structure is: I feel (EMOTION) when you (BEHAVIOR) because (RESULT). “Honey, I feel frustrated when you don’t take out the trash because we keep missing the trash pick up.” Chances are, the receiver of this message has noticed trash piling up and starting to smell bad. There is a consequence that has already happened and they know they have some responsibility in this. Then the speaker has an opportunity: “help me figure out a solution for this.” They’ve just invited the listener to engage in problem solving. There is no blame being placed on the listener, there is no disrespect or hurt feelings.

There are good texts out there with a lot more advice on how to have difficult conversations, like Crucial Conversations. They are geared toward kids, teens and adults of typical and specialized needs and cultures. I want to stress how important it is to work on being clear, calm and respectful when communicating with others. Imagine how much kinder a world we could be living in if everyone made the effort to listen better and speak with clarity and respect? Pass this along and maybe – just maybe – this could be the start of something beautiful.

PRIVILEGE

I’ve been avoiding writing recently, I admit, because when I sit down to write something about mental health (that will speak to my ideal client and bring them in for therapy), something happens in the world that rocks me. It angers me. Muslim bans, Neo-Nazi’s and “free speech,” kneeling as protest, useless and greedy government officials, election tampering, the growing disparity between the rich and the poor, the attempt at healthcare repeal every three months, hunger, disaster responding, violence, mass murder, assault weapons. I could go on and on, and that is just in the United States. These things are not subjects for typical mental health blogs. Writing on those topics, anxiety, depression, parenting, feels pretty superficial these days because the problems are so much bigger than the individual’s reaction to the above current events. How can I help someone be less anxious or depressed aka feel safe and happy in such a world?

So I am going to begin with what I hear a lot in sessions. I hear a lot of what we are calling Privilege.

Privilege   priv·i·lege [ˈpriv(ə)lij]

noun

a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group of people: education is a right, not a privilege

synonyms: advantage, benefit, prerogative, entitlement, right, concession, freedom, liberty

verb

grant a privilege or privileges to: English inheritance law privileged the eldest son

I am speaking to the concept of having an advantage. Being white gives you an advantage, as does being a male. It does not mean you have grown up with money. Obviously there are fewer and fewer people in that category so let’s not try to argue that point right now. Money is of course a concrete privilege, it doesn’t make you happy but it can solve a lot of problems. When I was a girl at PS 75, I was in a mixed community of white, Hispanic, African American, Jewish people. I was not wealthy, so when one of my African American friends asked if my barrettes was “real” as in “real gold,” I was confused. Why would I have real gold barrettes when I basically wore the same two pairs of jeans every other day? When I think about that now, I realize that they saw me as having an advantage, as having access to something that they did not. Why? You guessed it, I am white. And yes, I am privileged. My parents have advanced degrees, we had complicated books on the shelves, art on the walls, I traveled to visit my grandparents over the summers. The list goes on.

Now it is clear that while men have been feeling quite attacked on this subject as so many don’t feel like they’ve been privileged at all. Many are poor, undereducated, unable to make ends meet to support their families. Where they don’t realize they have been privileged: They can go for a 6AM run without being stopped by police because they’re “acting suspicious.” They aren’t racially profiled when they go for a drive. They aren’t sexually assaulted and told they shouldn’t have been jogging – in shorts – at 6AM. This list also goes on.

Laws have not been enacted to keep white people out of home ownership, or moving into certain neighborhoods or joining private clubs. Or drinking from a public water fountain, or using a public bathroom. It is not so long ago that these things were a reality in this country. We know where some of the most outspoken civil rights leaders are today – if they are not already dead/murdered. But where are the people who so passionately protested integration? They didn’t just disappear into obscurity. They became police officers, lawyers, members of government, the Attorney General. They used their privilege to undermine every layer of society. Slavery has not ended, it only looks different now (an entirely different subject but Google Industrial Prison Complex if you want more information).

The concept of being “woke” is about being educated about how all of these factors have led to the current situation and working to stop it. Working toward a real model of equality. However, it is hard to be Woke when every part of this culture is trying to convince you that it’s all okay exactly the way it is. They want white people to say, “it’s all too much, I can’t anymore…” and it is your Privilege to say that, because for the most part, you can. You don’t have to worry about being shot by police for reaching for your license and registration. No one asks you where you are from or tells you to back to where you are from. You don’t have to worry about being the victim of a hate crime. You feel safe. Putting yourself on the line is scary and has absolutely had consequences for some, but you, white person, are what is going to make the difference in the long run.

As a therapist, I am going to challenge you on these issues. I will correct you when you repeat myths of how immigrants are coming to the US and signing up for welfare. Therapeutically, it’s not my place to do this, but I feel I have some obligation to challenge you. If you’re not ready for this challenge, we aren’t going to be a good match to work together. I’m okay with that.

www.aliceriley.net

ARileyLCSW@live.com