Book Club - Get Comfortable with Cursing

On April 10, 2018, the Personal Development/Self Improvement book club met to discuss our second pick – The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck - A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson. I did have some reservations about the title, knowing that the women (so far, only women) were going to have to say the F-word repeatedly… it turned out to be just fine. During my local advertising of the meeting, there was more “buzz” in our neighborhood social media. People would chime in that they felt they needed this idea in their lives, and others who had read the book were enthusiastic about the choice. In my role of facilitator, I would read the book in advance before I proposed it to the group, and I was surprised about this one. We (or I, I should say) originally thought we would talk about Braving the Wilderness exclusively, but after two meetings, we got bored. We were hungrier than that, apparently.

Mark Manson was a blogger, freelancer, “influencer” if you will, online. He spent a lot of time in his youth traveling, womanizing, and appearing to do very little, if you ask me. Yet by the end of his adventures, he was able to tie in all of his experiences into a simple philosophy of not letting everything drive you insane with worry (The “Feedback Loop from Hell.” Sounds about right). People use the expression “I have no more f*cks to give,” ad nauseum, but do they understand what it is to truly let go of all of the petty worries that come our way? We want to worry about important things, that we have some control over, that have meaning. It’s not a book that tells us to freeload and do nothing all day, as some might imagine from the title. It’s deeper than that. For one thing, it helped me not judge a title quite so quickly. We all have great lessons from our growing up, and adult experiences. He was a kid who seemed to be on the road to self-destruction at one point. It’s easy to write off someone young who looks like they don’t care, yet most of the kids we think of – and we all know someone – are struggling, and haven’t had the support they needed, and are responding to stress.

What was nice, is that after reading Braving, then this book, there were some parallels to take note of, such as needing connection in difficult times, and we were also able to talk about ways we used some of the new ideas and skills in our lives. The women began to share more personal information, and were given and able to give support. We could point out the ways in which we were letting petty worries get in our way, and cheer the times we were not. Also similar to Braving, is the idea of standing out – and being who you are, not the way society, peers or family want you to be. We have to make  choices about what is important to us that align with our personal value system.

These days are tough and stressful, and if we all expend our energy on things that aren’t important while ignoring things we can do something about, we’ll all just implode. And if you don’t have control or the ability to save the world, find the thing you can do about it – even something that seems very small. We can pare down the BS and building up the value, instead.

Rating given by Book Club - A

A Year of Self Help Reading – Braving the Wilderness

Last year, I started a book club. Yes, I know, very un-interesting of me. However, I had been inspired to start this club due to Brene Brown’s book “Braving the Wilderness” that I read about a month before the first meeting was held. The idea was also a way for me to try to meet new friends, since I work an an independent practitioner with no day to day coworkers. The book club was dubbed The Personal Development Book Club in my community and has had a nice core group of women for a little over a year now. Braving the Wilderness poses the challenge to people to truly be themselves, hold on to their beliefs, even if they are not in the majority opinion in the crowd they happen to find themselves in. This can mean finding yourself in a hostile environment, or finding yourself left completely alone and ostracized from your community based on your expressed beliefs. The fear of this happening also keeps the status quo nice and strong, which in turn keeps many people quiet and complacent instead of speaking up.

I had recently found myself holding different beliefs from those around me – I am an East Coast Liberal (woot woot) who grew up in a pretty diverse neighborhood and City (New York) with little affluence or buffering from the harsh reality of poverty and crime. My friends were White, Jewish, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Black, Dominican and Puerto Rican, Cuban, you name it.  I have seen how social programs, multi cultural public schools and curriculums, scholarships, gun buy-back programs and access to cultural experiences can bring a child out of the cycle of poverty and make a dream a reality. However, when I moved to Colorado, I found a much less diverse population, less diversity in political opinions and a more traditionally “conservative” viewpoint. I stood out when I spoke up.

I am perfectly comfortable with this, I am diplomatic to be sure, but I don’t back down if someone gets offended and tells me I’m wrong. I also don’t go looking for a fight; I simply “speak truth to bullshit,” as Brene puts it. If you think immigrants are crossing the border to come to live in your house, I will ask how many times this has happened to you or your loved ones. I already know the answer.

What I wanted to do with my book club, is to help others sort through the moments in life they have felt on their own and empower people to embrace their role and comfort in The Wilderness. I knew that in order to accomplish this, we all needed support from one another and some analysis of those defining moments to try to change. A person can read all the self help books in the world and never be a different person. They could quote all the authors they wanted and never be a different person. Having others to listen to you, speak truth to your bullshit, give you honest feedback and a plan for the next opportunity, is priceless. In the group, I am the only therapist, but it is not group therapy. A therapist can also do these things in a mental health setting. People willing and able to try make the difference.

In short, I highly recommend this book. It is well written and research based. Brene Brown doesn’t just throw out a word like “belonging” or even “love” without creating a questionnaire, holding a focus group, coding and analyzing data and then presenting a formal definition. As far as self help books go, that is also priceless. Many books also use real data to support their assertions, but not all. Every month we post the date and book to the neighborhood and hope for a few new faces. The book club read a different book and got together to discuss the concepts and how they can be applied to life. I will usually print out some questions I find online, sometimes from the authors themselves and sometimes from other book club sites. And as book clubs go, there is plenty of talk about our lives, eating and sipping wine, and forming lifelong attachments.

The Work Book

After working with a particular child for a short while I found myself re-creating the same exercises in session that I've done with many kids in the past. I thought, I should just make this child a book that we put all these worksheets in. But then something better popped into my head: the work we were doing could help a lot of kids.

Below I pasted in the introduction to my book, and I cite The Kempe Center for much of the framework. I don't understand why this content has not become standardized to all mental health training. It can be used in so many situation with so many clients. It was designed to treat sexually abusive youth, initially. But it is truly universal. It should be viral. Teachers should know these skills as well. So please consider using this with your client caseload - each child should have a book of their own to document their progress and ability to self-regulate and plan for their own safety. You can find it on Amazon.com and search "Preventing and Treating Abusive Behaviors: A Workbook for Children and Teens. 

This workbook is a mixture of various exercises and treatment concepts that I use in my work with children and adolescents in therapy. It is based on the principles of Perpetration Prevention developed by the Kempe Center, in Denver, Colorado. I was trained by Gail Ryan, MA to teach others how to address sexual behaviors in children and teens including problem behaviors and abusive behaviors. Over time it became clear that these concepts can be applied to a number of situations where children’s behaviors become abusive. The concept is simplified as “Abuse is Abuse” meaning if someone is doing harm to another person, an animal, to property, or themselves, it is still abusive behavior and needs to stop. We do this by teaching children the goals of Communication, Empathy and Accountability. We also do not want to diminish the needs of the child engaging in problem behaviors. Therefore, we use many of the exercises to explore identity, assets versus risks, what their high-risk cycle looks like leading up to their abusive behaviors. Children still need to learn pro-social behavior and make friends in typical environments despite having experienced or exposed to violence, trauma, and loss. The table on the following page outlines the types of abuse we wish to stop and ultimately prevent.

A cautionary note to parents: This book is ideally used within a therapeutic relationship. If your child is engaging in problematic behaviors, especially sexually abusive behaviors, please seek professional help. This book can be used in conjunction with a multi-disciplinary treatment team for the management of sexually abusive behaviors. A professional will have the background to utilize these concepts to their fullest benefit.

The High-Risk Cycle exercise introduces the concept of a Trigger – something seen more and more often in the media. However, it is more than a place, or subject in our case. We want children and teens to identify the emotion associated with the triggering topic or event. Some examples are:

Not feeling liked, valued; feeling policed; feeling left out or rejected; feeling unsafe; afraid; feeling unheard or misunderstood; being mistaken, falsely accused or assumed guilty, feeling jealous, feeling uncomfortable with compliments or comments on appearance.

When a parent or caregiver is aware of situations that are potential triggers for their child, they can mitigate the child’s risks by observing and addressing the issues directly and as quickly as possible. Remember that if your child had a trauma, it is not a predictor of future behavior. Having plenty of normal activities and interactions can balance out their development. That is what the scale activity is meant to achieve. Children and Teens often feel that they will not be able to change their destinies, even if they have experienced consequences of their behaviors. It is critical that they believe in themselves.

In the exercise about their body, children and teens can learn to identify where they hold onto their anxieties and other emotions. Some hold tension in their throats, or trapezoid muscles, others may get stomach aches. This tuning in helps children and teens connect back to their physical selves and create the mind-body connection that is important in mindfulness practice, and not relying on dissociation to cope with difficult feelings.

Of course, there is more that can help your child engage in self-discovery and healing.

I hope you find this workbook useful for your kids and your clients! I believe it has been needed for a long while!