Only Twelve Rules? We can do that!

Months 3 and 4

The third book the budding book club read was too long to delve into in just on month. We read The 12 Rules for Life, An Antidote to Chaos by Jordan Peterson. Before this choice was made, we didn’t know that there has been some controversy around this author. Some said he is sexist, but I honestly didn’t investigate the concerns and just wanted to listen (in my case) with an open mind. Dr. Peterson is a professor of Psychology in Canada (no I am not going to give you his resume), and formerly of Harvard. He is originally from some small town or city in Canada where it gets really cold and miserable for more than half the year.

Anyway, he came up with a list of 12 Rules that people should live by and filled in the chapters with anecdotes and examples from his life, his friends’ lives, examples from contributors to his list that he elicited from an online forum. He made some pretty convincing arguments and showed himself to be a bit of an overachieving philosopher: someone who could really be interesting at dinner parties, but also someone who made you ready to go home as soon as dessert was finished. At least for me, someone who gets over stimulated easily in social situations. Your brain will get full quickly. This is why it took my group two months to digest it all. If being able to digest all of it was even possible.

The rules have interesting titles such as: Stand up straight with your shoulders back; Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them; Tell the truth or at least don't lie; Be precise in your speech. Certainly good advice and the stories add a lot of richness that illustrate why these concepts are important to living a good life. It was difficult arguing with many of these although I have heard some criticisms about his views on gender. Having been someone who needed a lot more caretaking after having children than I got, I agreed. When you are the one having children, it is up to your partner to step up and fill in where you are unable – though temporarily – so you do not also have to take care of your partner who feels set aside upon the arrival of a baby. It just made sense to me and I might feel differently had I adopted a baby and wasn’t in the vulnerable post partum state of mind and body many years ago.

Many concepts were complex and I know of several moments where I thought Dr. Peterson’s concepts intersected with Brene Brown’s and I thought, “a whole other book could be written at this point,” but more information kept coming to me and the thought came and left. I may go back to it, and see if I still think so after more reading. There is also a more in depth discussion of The Book of Genesis than I ever had in college that was a completely different take on the story of creation. Mind blown. Being allowed a glimpse into the way someone thinks who is a thinker, researcher, lecturer, for a living is fascinating for me, an observer of people on a close up basis. He does, however, read his own audio book, and let’s just say that not everyone has a good voice for dictating. He has a bit of an accent, being Canadian, and can sound like a big old nerd. However, knowing it is his voice lending itself to his ideas gives it a flow I have found hired voice actors don’t always provide when reading more technical material.

In short, following, integrating and living these rules will help humans live a less chaotic life. The book club continues to work on being people who stand tall, pet cats, being good listeners, letting kids take reasonable risks to become independent.

General Rating - A

PRIVILEGE

I’ve been avoiding writing recently, I admit, because when I sit down to write something about mental health (that will speak to my ideal client and bring them in for therapy), something happens in the world that rocks me. It angers me. Muslim bans, Neo-Nazi’s and “free speech,” kneeling as protest, useless and greedy government officials, election tampering, the growing disparity between the rich and the poor, the attempt at healthcare repeal every three months, hunger, disaster responding, violence, mass murder, assault weapons. I could go on and on, and that is just in the United States. These things are not subjects for typical mental health blogs. Writing on those topics, anxiety, depression, parenting, feels pretty superficial these days because the problems are so much bigger than the individual’s reaction to the above current events. How can I help someone be less anxious or depressed aka feel safe and happy in such a world?

So I am going to begin with what I hear a lot in sessions. I hear a lot of what we are calling Privilege.

Privilege   priv·i·lege [ˈpriv(ə)lij]

noun

a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group of people: education is a right, not a privilege

synonyms: advantage, benefit, prerogative, entitlement, right, concession, freedom, liberty

verb

grant a privilege or privileges to: English inheritance law privileged the eldest son

I am speaking to the concept of having an advantage. Being white gives you an advantage, as does being a male. It does not mean you have grown up with money. Obviously there are fewer and fewer people in that category so let’s not try to argue that point right now. Money is of course a concrete privilege, it doesn’t make you happy but it can solve a lot of problems. When I was a girl at PS 75, I was in a mixed community of white, Hispanic, African American, Jewish people. I was not wealthy, so when one of my African American friends asked if my barrettes was “real” as in “real gold,” I was confused. Why would I have real gold barrettes when I basically wore the same two pairs of jeans every other day? When I think about that now, I realize that they saw me as having an advantage, as having access to something that they did not. Why? You guessed it, I am white. And yes, I am privileged. My parents have advanced degrees, we had complicated books on the shelves, art on the walls, I traveled to visit my grandparents over the summers. The list goes on.

Now it is clear that while men have been feeling quite attacked on this subject as so many don’t feel like they’ve been privileged at all. Many are poor, undereducated, unable to make ends meet to support their families. Where they don’t realize they have been privileged: They can go for a 6AM run without being stopped by police because they’re “acting suspicious.” They aren’t racially profiled when they go for a drive. They aren’t sexually assaulted and told they shouldn’t have been jogging – in shorts – at 6AM. This list also goes on.

Laws have not been enacted to keep white people out of home ownership, or moving into certain neighborhoods or joining private clubs. Or drinking from a public water fountain, or using a public bathroom. It is not so long ago that these things were a reality in this country. We know where some of the most outspoken civil rights leaders are today – if they are not already dead/murdered. But where are the people who so passionately protested integration? They didn’t just disappear into obscurity. They became police officers, lawyers, members of government, the Attorney General. They used their privilege to undermine every layer of society. Slavery has not ended, it only looks different now (an entirely different subject but Google Industrial Prison Complex if you want more information).

The concept of being “woke” is about being educated about how all of these factors have led to the current situation and working to stop it. Working toward a real model of equality. However, it is hard to be Woke when every part of this culture is trying to convince you that it’s all okay exactly the way it is. They want white people to say, “it’s all too much, I can’t anymore…” and it is your Privilege to say that, because for the most part, you can. You don’t have to worry about being shot by police for reaching for your license and registration. No one asks you where you are from or tells you to back to where you are from. You don’t have to worry about being the victim of a hate crime. You feel safe. Putting yourself on the line is scary and has absolutely had consequences for some, but you, white person, are what is going to make the difference in the long run.

As a therapist, I am going to challenge you on these issues. I will correct you when you repeat myths of how immigrants are coming to the US and signing up for welfare. Therapeutically, it’s not my place to do this, but I feel I have some obligation to challenge you. If you’re not ready for this challenge, we aren’t going to be a good match to work together. I’m okay with that.

www.aliceriley.net

ARileyLCSW@live.com