FIX MY KID

I see a fair number of adolescents in my practice. I enjoy them a lot because when I was in High School I was in therapy and it damn near saved my life. Not because I was suicidal, but because I was able to process out all of the stupid, silly, stressful and annoying parts of being a teenager and decide what was right for myself. I mentioned before that the therapist wasn’t perfect but he did his best and sent me out into the world a little better than I was before.

I wanted to go to counseling – I asked to go. It meant my mom spending a little money on me every week but I babysat a lot and I often paid for my own luxuries that way so why not? I could walk to the office on my own, and I was a good client – only missing one or two appointments. Parents now ask for counseling for their kids – and they should. I always ask if the teenager wants to come, and usually they do. I explain that I am not the snitch for the parents – in front of them both. The kid needs to be able to tell me things without the parent hearing ALL. But the parents also need to be involved to a degree, so they know what progress is taking place and any changes that need to happen so they can support their budding adult.

I cannot “fix” anyone’s kid. There are times, when the teens behaviors are direct result/rebellion of their parents’ behavior. In those cases, I help that teen learn healthy ways to deal with their parents so they can move out someday and lead a healthy life. These are very difficult situations from my point of view. But when it works, the parent sees “improvement” because the teen stops butting heads with the parent as much. They see the end date ahead – college and independence. Often teens don’t realize until you point it out, that they WILL grow up and they CAN live somewhere else. The ability to imagine the future is located in the pre-frontal cortex of the brain, which is not yet fully developed until we become adults. But we can give them a little nudge.

In discussing this with some colleagues, after being “fired” from a teen I had a nice rapport with, because her symptoms weren’t gone after 2 months, we came up with a few ground rules:

1.       The above rule – I’m not your snitch

2.       I can’t fix your child. Therapy is a process and it takes time to dive deep under the surface. Some symptoms are serious and debilitating and your teen may need at least a year of work.

3.       Therapy isn’t forever – my goal is to get the parents to learn to be the supportive adult in the teen’s life. You should grow alongside your child. You are forever.

4.       If your child is being treated for trauma – their “bad” behaviors in school or at home are often a direct result of the trauma. Punishing them for their trauma responses is counter-productive. Setting limits is good. A good resource on this topic is Heather Talbot Forbes’ Beyond Consequences.

5.       Check in and participate once a month at a minimum. Ask questions about how you can help support your child grow into an adult.

Unfortunately, a little “getting over” on parents is part of growing up, and very common. Be patient with your teen. They’ll make mistakes and they’ll learn from them. It won’t usually ruin their whole lives. You can warn them but they’ll still insist on finding some things out the “hard way.” Listen to them, ask questions, repeat back what they say and ask if you are understanding them right. “What do you think about that,” and “Hum, interesting,” will go a long way. And I am here to help!